where did i go wrong

2006-12-13T00:28:00.000+08:00

am i demented or am i disturbed..this space thats in between insane and insecure..

2 more days baby!

2006-12-12T01:39:00.000+08:00

i dont have to hear you say you're giving up..i know you are...i know you cant take it anymore and i wont blame you for doing so...forget about your promise...leave if you have to....and after that you can return to the old you...i'm sorry for writing on my blog that i liked you..i'm sorry for putting you thru all this, i'm sorry for all this shit i've caused..maybe things are different now..you used to be able to share your problems with me but now like you said you've got no one to turn to so i'm just that nobody...you dont have to apologise cause its not your fault at all.. i'm to be blamed for all this and i'm truly sorry...i'm slashing myself at the rib cage so nobody would know and see the scars..sorry for this unorganise piece of whatever you wanna call it...my mind is just in a total mess

untitled

2006-12-12T00:04:00.000+08:00

freedom continues to be a thing i prize most in the world. of course this has led me to drink wines i did not like, to do things i should not have done and which i will not do again; it has left scars on my body and on my soul, it has meant hurting certain people, although i have since asked their forgiveness, when i realised that i could do anything except force another person to follow me in my madness, in my lust for life. i dont regret the painful times; i bear my scars as if they were medals. i know that freedom has a high price, as high as that of slavery, the only difference is that you pay with pleasure and a smile, even when the smile is dimmed by tears.

life for rent

2006-12-03T14:55:00.000+08:00

anyone wants to borrow my life??its for free...and on top of that maybe i'll pay to have your life..
does it sound appealing enough??

maybe it was all a dream that was not suppose to happen to me..somehow it took place by mistake...and now that i'm up i shld just forget about that dream...

2006-11-30T20:55:00.000+08:00

hey i think i'll do better without a stomach so i wont get gastric, a head so i wont get headache and a nose so i wont get either block nose or running nose, haha or maybe both...

untitled

2006-11-29T23:47:00.000+08:00

why cant i be like any ordinary girl?of all ppl why me?i hate it!!really wish i could end this life of mine..but i cant..it would be a selfish decision...its not like i enjoy doing this to myself...maybe i'm sadistic but not to that extent...i hate it when i'm like that but i just cant help it..?i'm sorry..i can only wish i was different...somehow i feel i have only myself to blame...i'm tired of all this...i need to get out!

Is anybody listening?
Can they hear me when I call?
I'm shooting signals in the air'
Cause I need somebody's help
I can't make it on my own
So I'm giving up myself
Is anybody listening
Wonder if I will survive
How in the hell did I get so far away this time
So now I'm sitting here
The time of my departure's near
I say a prayer
Please someone save me

its the fucking emo season baby

2006-11-23T01:01:00.000+08:00

i wanna go up to daddy and ask him for smokes...and then smoke my life away

i'm know i'm not ok but i say i am...dont ask me why..cause i really dont know why

if i'm gonna get hold of the pen knife, i'm not gonna stop slashing myself

i dont know whats wrong

i fucking cant sleep

but well i'm gonna cry to sleep

hate this feeling

well i'm better off dead

fuck off

this is me

its the emo season baby

2006-11-22T22:58:00.000+08:00

wanna get away...

maybe you forgot about it...

another 23 more days...

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
who's in the middle of something
that she doesn't really understand

2006-11-19T00:46:00.000+08:00

I've heard there was a secret chord. That David played, and it pleased the Lord. if only i knew the chord, then at least i could play it for the lord and he would be pleased with me. Maybe then, he'll stop torturing me. Did the lord curse this life of mine when i was created or what? If its gonna be like that for the rest of my life then i'd rather just let go of life now since its gonna be the same and i'm sick of it.

Maybe there's a god above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And it's not a cry you can hear at night,
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

i lost a friend

2006-11-16T23:54:00.000+08:00

Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.
you were there when i was down and i dare say that i was too when you were down...but now you're gone..and i dont wanna think about the reason you gave me for ending it...it hurts but i'll be okay...

2006-11-15T01:26:00.000+08:00

I still pray but it's something automatic, and I'm not even sure I still believe in it... Because I've suffered, and God didn't listen to my prayers.
We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.

what the hell?

2006-11-14T22:11:00.000+08:00

soemtimes its really weird how ppl can just view your profile and show interest in you?its really freaky and it does set me thinking sometimes?today for example?

3 ppl in a day?what the hell is happening..you're freaking me out dear lord!

Can you turn my black roses red?
Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea

oh this shit!

2006-11-14T03:32:00.000+08:00

i lost my fear of the rain because when the rain falls to earth it brings with it something of the air. its best to master my fears, to be worthy of the words i worte, and to understand that however bad the storm, it will eventually pass. As with any storm, it brings destruction, but it also waters the fields; and, with the rain, falls the wisdom of heaven. As with any storm, it will pass. The more violent the storm, the more quickly it will pass. We always have the necessary resources to face the storms that life throws at us, but most of the time, those resources are locked up in the depth of our heart, and we waste an enormous amount of time trying to find them. By the time we've found them, we have already been defeated by adversity.

once, a rose dreamed day and night about bees, but no bee ever landed on her petals. The flower, however, continued to dream. During one of the long nights, she imagined a heaven full of bees, which flew down to bestow fond kisses on her. By doing this, she was able to last until the next day, when she opened again to the light of the sun. One night, the moon, who knew about the rose's lonliness asked:"arent you tired of waiting?"her reply..."possibly, but i have to keep trying"..."why?"..."because if i dont remain open, i will simply fade away"
At times,when lonliness seems to crush all beauty, the only way you can resist is to remain open.

"So often, in our lives, we are crumpled, trampled, ill-treated, insulted, and yet, despite all that, we are still worth the same"what say you about this??

why are we born if we all have to die one day??
if god's in heaven and my aunt is there too because she's dead, how come he's alive??
why isnt our guardian angel beside us when we're sad??

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When you're heart's heavy
I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you are lost inside
I will be there to find you
Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I will shine to guide you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one is to be heard
You are loved

fear

2006-11-08T20:19:00.000+08:00

haha crank was super good?but the ending was stupid!haha

what if i become like that rjc girl joy told me about?!?ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

listen closely to the lyrics...

DEAD

2006-11-05T20:22:00.000+08:00

i'm only a girl.Looking for special things inside of me...and guess what??there's nth..havent came up with anything...oh well...life is a bitch..

ahhhhhhh....i think i'm better off dead

screwed up.....

my life

2006-10-31T22:39:00.000+08:00

you hate it when others say hurtful stuff to you but have you ever wondered why ppl do that??maybe its because you do not consider their feelings when you say hurtful stuff to them as well?
anyways was walking under the rain just now and i nearly got run down..at first, i was thankful but then i thought maybe it would have been good if i was knocked down...then maybe life would be different for awhile or maybe forever...probably the best if it was fatal..so much have happened and sometimes i wish i could end this life...this life is a living hell and i cant live this life anymore...no one actually understands me because they dont go thru what i'm going thru..and i dont blame them...maybe that's how its suppose to be...
ppl take for granted what they have and if god would just be nice for once and give me what they have, i swear i would treasure it...but that was not how he planned it...he was just out to torture me...and now, i'm suffering..dont blame me for choosing satan...

dear lord,
are you pleased??
please either change your plans or just take me away from here...

I think I'd better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now

suicidal thoughts

all the lies that you told just to ease your own soul

2006-10-30T22:16:00.000+08:00

its obvious that you're not over it but since you claim that you so are then what can i say?but whoever cares you'll be the one hurting not me!
anyways sandy was all crap today!haha...talking about the most random stuff like how that guy could keep longer hair and look like a girl!haha..and she poked my eyes!
to ben, thanks for helping me thru this and being there for me...sorry you couldn study!haha..thanks!love!
and to the guy in green.....FUCK OFF!

so sick

2006-10-29T18:21:00.000+08:00

spent the whole of today trying to think of what i shld do...its been almost 5 mths and you're not over it..i've been trying to help you thru it and you think i'm being childish limiting myself to texting you once a day...it has come to a point where i cant do anymore to help you..i've been trying to do everything to make you move on but you're not helping yourself..you tell me you need more time..how am i suppose to give you more time when its affecting me??you're not concentrating on your studies and its your major papers..i've tried talking to you and now i've given up..its high time you thought about what you want in life..i cant always be the one helping you thru it..you've gotta start thinking about the future and not the past..and stop being childish by saying that its hard cos i'm the only one who love and care for you and the only one you can talk to..if thats true then you might as well say i'm your only friend..but you know its not true..you have other friends who are willing to help you thru it just that you choose not to open up and share..if thats your decision then i'm speechless..soon you'll have to suffer the consequences of your decision.and i wont be there..i cant always be there...i have my own life and i cannot devote all time to you..you're just being selfish..this is what i've been wanting to say to you but i've nv got the chance to cos you nv allow me to speak whats on my mind...you cry over the slightest things and it makes it even harder for me to talk to you..this has been haunting me..i have to talk to you tmr and i really dont know how to do it..its gonna be hard on you as well as for me and i hope i'll be able to talk some sense into you...

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

2006-10-25T23:04:00.000+08:00

you're beautiful
just the way you are
and i love it all
every line, and every scar
and i wish that i could make you see
this is where you ought to be

school was actually quite fun today except for the stupid toxic gas exercise thinge..then went over to serene and was about to leave when it started pouring...we were stuck there but it was really fun..haha..sandy!!i love you!haha..actually love everyone sitting ard that table except for that weirdo!the one who freaked sandy out!!haha.

another untitled one

2006-10-23T22:56:00.000+08:00

school was total waste of my time!didnt do much...having' a bloody chinese paper this thurs and if i fail, thats the end of me!haha..drop chinese!haha..lets just pray that doesn happen..haha..went to town after school today then went back to CHEC to get some stuff...

have been reading quite alot these few days, just so i'll be occupied...and it helps a lil'?i've been feeling like shit these few days but i guess its quite usual..dont know why i'm feeling like that though...

if i wanted to tattoo a pentacle, how would you react?
what would life after death be like?

untitled

2006-10-19T23:35:00.000+08:00

life is a reign of terror, in the shadow of a guillotine..
there's no point trying to discover why i exist..if i really want an explanation i can tell myself that i am god's way of punishing himself for having decided, in an idle moment, to create the universe...
god's hell is his love for humanity, because human behavior makes every second of his eternal life a torment...

still hanging in there.

lost

2006-10-18T22:23:00.000+08:00

i havent been sleeping well!and i dont know why!!its either i cant sleep or i just get weird nightmares..i'm sick of this place. i just wanna run away..
would a person go mad if she just bottled everything up?haha..if yes, then i'll go mad soon..i wanna be busy so i wont think about it!BUT i've got nth to do!
i wouldn mind going to the beach alone, spending the whole night there...maybe next tues since its a holiday.

i'll be alone with my imaginary friend!

2006-10-17T23:22:00.000+08:00

it hasnt been easy for me and most likely it never will...but whoever cares.. i'll just live with it and maybe one day everything would be all good..i dont know whats going on right now and i dont know whats gonna happen soon..i'm all messed up..been thinking alot recently and theres so many other possibilities..this is driving me nuts and its breaking me...

today's grams 70th bday and she was real busy...haha..sandra, i just read your blog and i'm really sorry if i cant make it for the party..you'll definitely get the mask i'm making..haha..i love you sandy!haha..muah!

2006-10-14T23:41:00.000+08:00

was not gonna blog actually but after i heard it, i cant help but blog..dad, i hate you. as a dad you've failed you to be a good role model...if you cant even set a good example, how do you expect us to be what you want us to be? sometimes i dont see why i shld acknowledge you as my dad..have you ever spared a thought for us?you're just plain selfish..i hate you and nothing is ever gonna change that...the both of us have never had a happy family because of you..mummy shld leave you and that way we could all live the lives we want to..one WITHOUT YOU.."a leopard nv changes its spot" and as the saying goes...you've not changed and you'll nv change... i hope you read this dad...at your funeral, it would be unlike the others. instead of ppl mourning over you death, we'll be rejoicing... i may acknowledge you as my dad.. but deep down you've nv existed.. to me, you'll always be the scum of the earth.. a big time disgrace to the family..

Hey Dad I'm writing to you
Not to tell you, that I still hate you
Just to ask you how you feel
And how we fell apart how this fell apart
Are you happy out there in this great wide world?
Do you think about your sons?Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down how do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we're all right?
We're alrightWe're alright
It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life
It's not OK but we're alright
I will remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive
The days I spent so cold, so hungry, were full of hate
I was so angry, the scars run deep inside this tattooed body
There's things I'll take to my grave, but I'm OK, I'm OK
It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life
It's not OK but we're alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
Now I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still aliveI'm still alive
Sometimes I forgive, yeah and this time
I'll admitThat I miss you, said I miss you
It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life
It's not OK but we're alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
Now I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive
And sometimes I forgive, yeah and this time I'll admitThat I miss you, I miss you...hey Dad

sweet!

2006-10-14T01:05:00.000+08:00

hhaha.overdrive was hella good..had so much fun..haha..screamed so much, my sore throat is back..haha..but like yeah, at least i had fun..hey! what YOU did was really sweet, and i LOVE you so so much...haha..i'm really tired!jiaz!hurry up!haha

untitled

2006-10-11T22:05:00.000+08:00

"I'd rather run the other way than stay and see The smoke and who's still standing when it clears "i'm scared to know, or rather, see if you'll be one of those who'll be there for me when i need you..i'm so scared i'd rather not know,but somehow, one day i guess, something would show..then i ask myself.."what if she's not there?"..the ans...i'd be hurt but i'm prepared for it...is it your immaturity or just plain ignorance

was at serene today!jiaz forced me to meet her at serene cos she bought me strepsils for my throat..hhaaha..THANKS!...and there, she bullied me thru out till my momma came.hahaha.dined with mom today and after that we went shopping!haha..

if only

2006-10-10T21:30:00.000+08:00

sometimes i dont think you know what you're doing?not unless you put yourself in my shoes? everyone is busy with their stuff and even my sis is not in..i'm sorry if i didnt respond when you tried to cheer me up. i was just kinda feeling down.. its good to know that you'll always be there though.. i really thank god for the both of you.. we grew up together and only you both understand me.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

untitled

2006-10-08T22:41:00.000+08:00

havent blogged for the past few days so i shall blog now!haha..these few days have been quite good for me..exams are almost over and i dont know what i'm gonna do after that!will probably miss studying!haha..everyone is starting to work except me!havent work even once before!haha!lets just pray that i'll find stuff to do.then at least i wont be as bored!haha

i wanna go back to the beach and listen to the waves crash onto the rocks..its weird but somehow the sounds soothes me..haha

why?

2006-10-05T19:43:00.000+08:00

why must i have a dad?why cant i ask god to take dad away from me?i dont want him!!i know this sounds really harsh but i really cant put up with him anymore!!i've been seriously trying..why is he like that?do you call someone who doesnt trust you, your dad?this really bothers me..alot has been troubling me lately but i've just kept it to myself..now its driving me crazy..cant wait for the n's to be over...

i hope everything would work out fine

messed up

2006-10-03T21:02:00.000+08:00

dont know why i'm feeling this way...dont feel fine at all...hhahaa..i dont wanna fall sick..not now!!hahaaa..it has been really stressful and i think i need a break..i wanna go watch you, me, dupree on thurs in the morning...hahaha..anyone??maths paper was crap..could do the paper but made like quite a no. of careless mistakes!!how stupid can i get??hahaa..

am i mad??hahahaa

i hate you

2006-10-02T21:58:00.000+08:00

why do you always do this to me?seems like i'm some person you vent all your frustrations on..and when your feeling better you apologise..sorry but i dont think this is how things works. a friend is someone you share your problems with..not someone you vent your frustrations on..i'm sick of it..i wanna let go..but i just cant bear to..this is taking a toll on me..i dont want this friendship to end just like that..but i cant help it if you continue treating me like that..maybe your other friends are good enough and i dont mean a thing....tearing as i type this post..but it doesn really matter cos nobody cares..

ALL ALONE AGAIN..

ebullient

2006-09-30T23:27:00.000+08:00

ahaha.was at ECP again...watched the guys water ski and it was super cool.haha.i wanna try it after the exams but dont dare cos of the fishes..haha..couldn really sleep last night.dunno why though.hahaaha.exams are on like mon and i don feel prepared at alll..!!haha.

havent felt this happy in a long long time..

hahaha

i've gone cuckooooo

2006-09-29T01:33:00.001+08:00

haha.life's so boring.have been studying the whole week and i seriously need a break.mom picks me up from serene everyday and she never fails to call me mad.why?cos once i get into the car, i laugh at every tiny little thing.i guess its cos i study too much.haha.i'm feeling tired but somehow i cant sleep.
i like you but i doubt you know who you are.haha.you'll probably nv find out.like in the previous post,i know you'll nv fall for me no matter how hard i try.ahaha
*hint:check the wishlist out.hhaaha
but dont freak out

gonna try to sleep now

i've gone cuckooooo

2006-09-29T01:33:00.000+08:00

self centered shit.

2006-09-25T21:58:00.000+08:00

is it wrong to like someone?i'm sorry i even fell for you alright?you probably dunno who you are but i guess i'm never gonna be with you neither am i gonna hear you say you like me.sandra just had to tell everyone that i like you and now ppl are making a big fuss out of it.as if its a big deal and as if i cant like him.HATE IT.sandra, if your reading this i've got nth much to say.its just sometimes i think its better you keep your mouth shut and stay out of ppl's affair.when you were down. i had to comfort you. but when i was down, what were you doing?playing with your friends, totally ignoring me.if they're more impt den tell me so.cant take it anymore. you always make things worse for me.sometimes i wish you were mute or i never exist.

2006-09-22T21:29:00.000+08:00

damn bloody stressed!!n levels in 9 days.haha.will be mugging the whole of next week.free from skool that whole week..youphoo.haha.haven blogged for very long, have been busy the whole week.tuition nearly everyday.ahaha.this whole week has been rather fun.glad IMF is over, at least i can study at esplanade.haha.anyways nth much to blog about today.

you are history

2006-09-17T17:56:00.000+08:00

with all this rain it just keeps falling,on my head and now i'm calling,out to someone else to help me make it thru.life.hope,truth.trust.faith.pride.love.lust.pain.hate.
lies.guilt.laugh.cry.live.die.keep moving on. haha good to see that you've moved on.you've found your special someone and i will too.hard nights shaped me, i dont know they somehow saved me, and i swear i'm not looking back.burnt your letter.dunno what to do with the rest of your shit.haha.never gonna look back again.haha, i'm moving up and moving on.

emotionaless

2006-09-13T21:12:00.000+08:00

didnt do much in school...went to macs to study but ended up playing.haha met the weirdest girl on earth.haha.finally managed to move on.haha feels so good.happy to know that chow chow is not dead.haha.i'm gonna turn into a physics freak overnight.haha 41/2 hrs of it tmr.so dead.feeling emotionaless.was listening to brown eyes just now on jia's mp3.love that song.haha.nth much to say today.even when hope is gone move along move along just to make it thru.

in the doldrums

2006-09-11T21:48:00.000+08:00

was studying at macs today..nth much happened as usual.joy was mad, sarah was cantankerous, van was the only normal one.was already in a melancholy, feeling disgruntled and that git's interference only exacebated the situation.i hate it!nobody's perfect and i always stand accused.why oh why??trying to be somebody you know your not, it gets harder everyday, all the lonely days, there's no one left to love, i wish life would go away.....the day you went away..

the way i want you to die?
slow pain and immense decay

fuck off

2006-09-07T21:14:00.000+08:00

went to town with the girls today.shopped till we were all broke.haha.but at least we had fun.den went to esplanade to study and get tix for overdrive.i've got michael loo's 7600 and its super mega cool.thanks matt.haha.been thinking alot.i wanna date a bad boy.so sick of this life i want something new.haha.den again...will that ever happen?.even if he were a biker or a sk8er i would be happy.haha.but i guess it wouldn happen.haha.in the doldrums...thinking bout those halcyon days when daddy was never home.how much freedom i had and how noisy the 4 of us including mummy were.now that he is home...it feels like i'm in a jail cell.but anything that doesn kill me, makes me stronger."i'm more than a bird, i'm more than a plane, more than some pretty face, beside a train, its not easy...to be....me"

wishful thinking

2006-09-06T18:32:00.000+08:00

haha.took out the letter today and found it super gay.even a little boy in kindergarten colors better den you do.haha.but i guess you put effort in it.so much your pinky hurt.but all those were history.and it wont happen again.the heart dies a slow death, sheding each hope like leaves, until one day there are not, no hopes, nth remains.i paint my face to hide my face, my eyes are deep water. it gets harder everyday and one day ppl will see thru this facade. but whoever cares, i'll take everyday as it comes. pain is pleasure and one day, the pain would fade away. someday soon.

LOVES to:

2006-09-06T01:51:00.000+08:00

I <3 JOY::
she helped me do up this SKIN !!
love you girl.

knocking on heaven's door

2006-09-05T22:57:00.000+08:00

stood under the shower and cried my heart out.why and how did all these start?is there such a thing called love?you brought the best and the worst memories.whenever i am alone i ask myself, did he actually love me?or did he make all those up, just so he could use me?the good charlotte concert, the ring, the flower, the lovely looking sweets that looked mega gay, the bag, the tie, the badge, the heart, and you changing for my sake, giving up things for me why cant it all happen again?you've changed.you've been so cold it hurts.i prayed that on my bdae you would ask me out but who knew...you were with someone else.moreover, you completely forgot bout it.told myself i'd give you till the 23rd of sept this yr.but it seems to me that you'd never come back.i feel your hurting inside but your just putting up a facade.why?but if your truly happy with what you're doing then i'll let go.not forgetting what you said.that your bdae last year was not special.